The Best Drive of All Time

The drive to Cincinnati was the best drive of the whole trip. Since there was nothing really “planned” for Cincinnati in the traditional sense of knowing what shit to do and see, we were able to make plenty of pit stops along the way. Plus, we were operating on a pretty full night of sleep due to a late check out because of the previously noted .14. So after the early afternoon fun in Knoxville, we were off.

First up was the Chik-Fil-A Challenge, brought to you by Chik-Fil-A, our newest sponsor. The Chik-Fil-A Challenge is that you have to find and eat at a Chik-Fil-A. This seemed pretty easy since we passed about 45,000 of them on the way, but as soon as you want one, they’re impossible to find.

Forty minutes later, we were enjoying fried chicken that under normal circumstances is probably delicious, but we had spent the last week in the south eating fried chicken, so there was some competition. This was our Beerfest, “I HAVE been training for a beer drinking competition” moment.

From there we took to the road and made our first stop in Corbin, Kentucky. Why? Because we saw a signsfor Corbin, Kentucky. We also found out it was the birthplace of KFC. Now we were sold.

With a 100 foot Colonel Sanders sign, and an old “Sanders Café” sign out front we went to the original KFC. It was just a KFC, but still. There was also a museum commemorating something the Colonel did, though like biblical scholars we couldn’t really figure out what the hell some of the signs were explaining. The copywriters in Kentucky are not the best in the world.

We ate chicken and biscuits and took pictures with a Colonel Sanders statue, so we were all happy.

About an hour later on the road we saw “Adult World” a sex shop and emporium of sorts. This was not that shocking as we had passed a million of these HOWEVER immediately next to this one was a giant cross. PHOTO OP.

Once we pulled in though, there was no way we weren’t checking the place out. To answer a few “Adult World” questions: we were ID’d, there were peep shows, there were movies, there were other people there.

Ryan and Kasey used the bathroom there, I was afraid of it for all the right reasons.

While I waited outside, some guy pulled up in his car, got out and walked over to me. He asked me what I was doing there, and I told him we just stopped by and I was waiting for my friends. I was hesitant because I had been taking pictures of “Adult World” and the cross, and I thought he was mad. Instead, he said “Were there naked girls in there? I have the wife in the car and she won’t go in if there are naked people, otherwise she was OK.”

Holding back laughter I helped convince his wife to go in.

Ryan and I had a brief football catch that ended when Ryan kicked the ball into a ditch and he had to go into the runoff water to get it back. Credit to him, he succeeded despite me laughing at him and encouraging him to fall in the water the whole time.

We hopped back on the road and drove until we got to Lexington, Kentucky.  In Lexington, we went straight to the football stadium where we found an open gate and walked into the stadium. The only other people in there were a dad and his daughter who was considering the school.

After a little bit of small talk with them, I turned to Ryan and Kasey and “Let’s do this” then hopped onto the field. They followed and we played about a half hour of football and demonstrated how out of shape we are from the beginning of the trip. Watching us do this, I’m confident that girl will be at UK next year.

The obligatory place to go in Lexington is Rupp Arena, Kentucky’s basketball arena. The entrance to Rupp is connected to a mallish type place and a bunch of hotels. At the time we were there, all the dance companies from the South were holding auditions so there were hundreds of dancers rehearsing newly learned routines. We considered auditioning but thought the better of it.

Getting into Rupp itself was a bit of a problem. We spoke with a janitor who said we could not go in since Florida—who was playing UK later in the week—was practicing. Undeterred we kept looking for a way in. We tried every floor and potential entrance while walking through various dance auditions. At one point some kid asked if we were knew where the callbacks are. Sorry buddy, not our department.

Finally, we saw a set of open doors that on the inside said “KEEP THESE DOORS CLOSED.” There was no do not enter signs, so we felt we were free to enter. So we go through the doors and cut left through 2 more sets of doors into a dark hallway James Bond style with a bright light through the tunnel. We followed the light and entered the historic arena just after Florida left.

There were cops on the floor and they turned away so we snapped a picture and started to sneak out. We got through the second set of doors and saw a Security Guard had just walked past. He heard us when we exited and yelled “what are you doing?” Above the door we just left, there was an Exit sign so I told him we were lost and looking for the exit. He exclaimed we shouldn’t be in the court so we played dumb, but he still felt the need to escort us from the building.

We were probably due.