Thursday, March 11, 2010
The Best Drive of All Time
"So its between Disneyworld or Knoxville?" "Knoxville, Knoxville, Knoxville"
Birmingham Baby, Birmingham
New Orleans (An "As Accurate As Possible" Account)
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
"Hit me in the chest, give me money, and I'll give you a strip club card"
The first night in Memphis we spent a lot of time on Beale Street. Memphis is a really cool city and everything is very close to each other. Most of the bars in town are lined up on Beale which has been turned into a car-less pedestrian mall. That means drinking without the prospect of being the victim of vehicular manslaughter, which is ALWAYS a plus.
You can tell that the area gets crazy, definitely a much bigger version of 4th street in Louisville, on a Friday or Saturday, but during Chevron Adventure Week you can’t pick your nights. On a Sunday night though, the town is mostly dead. To the credit of most of the bars though, they had lots of karaoke and live bands going on, so all wasn’t lost.
As the night starts winding down for the other 46 people who have to head home because they have “jobs” and “lives” to deal with the next day, we keep looking for the next wave to ride.
We planned for two nights in Memphis and we were not about to forfeit one of them because of the real world everyone else lived in. So we hopped from bar to bar just to keep the night going: took shots of whiskey and pickle juice (the shot pair is called a Babaloosa and came from somewhere in the south that “To Catch a Predator” can’t even find; don’t knock it ‘til you try it), ordered the first round of “Fucking Yankees” (a drink I helped pioneer in Nashville last week and is a shot of Jaeger, Coke, and Rum), and learned that Tennessee has no local beers and we should be ashamed for trying to order anything other than Whiskey.
At about 3, Ryan’s still singing “Walking in Memphis” as we walk down Beale. Beale at this hour is littered with panhandlers and homeless people but also cops (apparently after Katrina a lot of criminals from New Orleans spread out to nearby cities and Memphis’ crime rate “quintiplied” (actual word used by our bartender the second night who “didn’t need this fucking job because [she’s] in the medical profession.
These homeless guys come up to you to try and shake your hand and get some money, most of them giving the “help me out” pitch. Then we met the Billy Mays (RIP) of beggars.
This guy comes up to me, tries to shake my hand, turns, plants his feet and proclaims “Hit me in the chest, give me money, and I'll give you a strip club card." HOLY. SHIT.
What an offer. I could imagine not being able to fall asleep, turning on the TV and seeing this guy yelling “For some money you can punch me in the chest. But wait, there’s more! If you hit me and give me money now, I’ll also throw in a strip club card!”
He didn’t even have an amount in mind; he just wanted to be paid anything. Wow.
We realized that on a Sunday, we weren’t going to top that moment, so we went back to the hotel.
In the lobby we remembered about the product of our newest sponsor, AlcoHAWK, the finest breathalyzer available at Walgreens.
With the security guard, a friend of his, and one of the hotel managers watching and cheering, the competition began.
I posted a very respectable .17 for the clubhouse lead. Everyone cheered.
Kasey followed with an “I thought it would be much higher” .14. There were boos.
Then Ryan, in the moment of truth, batting in the 3-hole, blew an astounding .18. The crowd went crazy.
Not quite homeless Billy Mays, but what a moment.
Floating Like Butterflies, Stinging like Bees
So we folded house in Indianapolis and skipped over to Louisville, Kentucky. What an underrated city. The first thing that we had to do in Kentucky was get some legitimate fried chicken. We ended up in this nice little place that was oddly enough called the “Cottage Inn.” Well needless to say this was an amazing way to start our time in this city. Sweet tea O My Lord.
After lunch we headed out to downtown Louisville and hung out around the University of Louisville for a little bit. Campus was really nice and then we headed over to Churchill Downs, home of The Kentucky Derby. We decided to skip the tour there and just do our own thing for a while. We bet on the ponies, I bet on the gray horse just like grandpa taught me to do, and of course I lost. Churchill Downs is really cool and we ended up being able to get right on the track. Few can say that they have raced at Churchill Downs but after this trip, the wolfpack of 3 can say they did. I smoked them.
And now to the main event, the Louisville Slugger Factory. This place was absolutely awesome. We walk in and immediately I am holding a game used Mickey Mantle bat. We then took a walking tour about how the make a bat. They churn out a bat every 30 seconds and make 1.8 million bats per year. We got mini bats and we were happy. Cool thing about the factory is it’s the only place in the world where you can hit a baseball in a batting cage with a wooden bat. Needless to say the ball jumped off the Ken Griffey Jr. model pretty nicely.
After that we headed over to the Muhammad Ali museum home of the prettiest, fastest, handsomest professional boxer ever. This place was pretty cool and I knocked Cooper the fuck out in the ring.
The nightlife in Louisville was pretty insane. There is this huge strip of bars that are sort of enclosed and everything is open til 4 am. You can walk from bar to bar with your drinks. We posted up in this one bar/bowling alley that was pretty cool. I got the group free bowling shoes because of my devilish good looks. That was Louisville in a nutshell. Funniest part of the night was when we saw a guy arrested as he walks by us. Ryan, impulsively states “BITCH YOU ARRESTED.” Hope we can clean up our acts in Memphis since they are allowed to bring guns into the bars.
Memphis, Memphis, Memphis. Getting here was not easy and definitely took a fair share of heat getting the other two up early so we could get into Memphis for the start of the USA-Canada gold medal game. I guaranteed that we would and were successful. Unfortunately, Sidney Crosby managed to weasel his way into the spotlight after being rather unimportant the entire day.
We licked our wounds from the overtime loss and headed over to the Peabody hotel for the famous walk of the Peabody Ducks. We almost missed it but we saw what we needed to see. On the way out of the hotel, Ryan hears a voice from above. Was that the voice of the man who posed the most important question of our lifetime, specifically, “What is in the box that rocks?” Could this possibly have been happening? It in fact was true, as Sir Charles Barkley was standing right before us. He was nice enough to take a picture with us but unfortunately could not put us into contact w OchoCinco (who still hasn’t answered any of tweets).
After this we went back and finally got a little bit of sleep before dinner. For dinner, we went to this amazing Memphis BBQ place named Corky’s. The ribs at this place were absolutely amazing and we met two workers, Evelyn and Broady, who were some of the nicest people that you can ever come across. Best cole slaw I’ve ever had as well. After dinner we headed out to Beale Street. It was a Sunday night so there wasn’t much going on but we posted up in the bar called Alfred’s. Armed with the newest purchase of the trip, the Breathalyzer, we sang karaoke and learned a lot from the locals. It was here that we discovered the best drink ever – a shot of jack Daniels chased with a shot of pickle juice. Wanna judge me? Fine. Just try it.
On Monday we woke up and headed out to Graceland, home of Elvis. His style was almost as cool as mine and his plane was almost as big as mine. I would say that the had a pretty successful career. The best part was our bus driver started our tour off with a little “Hail to the Victors.” After our tour of Graceland we headed back to Beale Street and got hamburgers at Dyer’s. This place deep fries everything and legend has it that their oil still has remnants of the original oil that they used when they opened up about 100 years ago. The burgers were amazing as were the fried twinkies that we had… again, don’t judge, just try it. It wasn’t such a bad lunch since we found out that CWIC technologies won 15,000 in a grant from the University. 7 dollar burgers, 15,000 grand won. I would say that was a profitable lunch break.
After lunch we headed to the National Civil Rights Museum, which is where Dr. Martin Luther King was killed. The museum had so many cool things in it and they even had the hotel where MLK was staying all set up as it was on that day. There was also a mini museum across the street where it is believed the shot was fired from. There was a lot of cool information and debate on how exactly he was killed and who was actually involved.
For dinner we headed to the Interstate Barbeque for some barbeque spaghetti, which was awesome. Then we headed back to the downtown area and went to the 2nd half of the Memphis Grizzlies – Portland Trailblazers game. The Grizz lost and we couldn’t get on the floor for a picture but we made a good effort to do so. After the game we headed to BB Kings and watched a pretty sweet band and snapped a photo with them. The night was relatively mild because we have to charge our batteries up a little bit for NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana
Monday, March 1, 2010
"Its Always Been a Dream of Mine to Wake up at 8am to Watch Hockey in Memphis"
We knew we had really reached Louisville the moment we stepped out of the car at our hotel, the scent of fried chicken was like a warm friendly welcome, kind of like when you get off the plane in Hawaii where you get lei, but in Louisville it was the smell of fried chicken. So whats the first thing we do, eat fried chicken. We went to Cottage Inn, which literally was a cottage, and had some of the best fried chicken I have ever had. It was everything we had hoped for, and then one more piece of chicken, that just knocked us out.
With full bellies and fried chicken on our minds we headed for Churchhill Downs. Now most people right after eating their heart out of fried chicken would take the next hour slow, maybe take a nap. Us, being at Churchhill downs decided we had to race. Now the race simple started as a slow jog through the parking lot, but we were at Churchhill downs, so we ended up giving it everything we had and broke out into one of the most amazing races that place has ever seen. Well until cooper lost his pants and Kasey almost twisted his ankle, but it was still pretty incredible.
At Churchill, we all placed bets on horses. I lost. No more betting for me.
We couldn’t stay with the horses long because next up was the famous Louisville slugger factory. Right off they gotta have the biggest bat in the world there, it was Huge!!!! This place had to be one of the best deals we will see on this trip. For only 12 bucks we gotta to tour the factory, hold Mickey mantle’s actually baseball bat, go to the only batting cage in America that allows wooden bats and swing with exact replicas of Babe Ruth and ken Griffey Jr’s bats. We also got little mini slugger’s which was probably the worst thing that could have happened, three guys on a spring break road trip with bats = not good. Straight from the factory we made our way over to the great Ali’s center, and then walked around and saw the rest of Louisville.
4Th street is where the shit was at for going out in downtown Louisville. Just to get onto the street we had to pull out our IDs, and then once on the street no open container laws; awesome! Because I am already sick of typing I am going to give a quick recap, we all got mad at each other. Cooper went off and got rejected by 3 different girls, I went off and almost got my shit rocked by a big fat guy, Kasey did nothing, and it was all great. O yah we bowled in the middle of a huge bar, more greatness
8:00am, yah eight in the dam morning Kasey woke us all up, threw us into the car, and away we went to Memphis Tennessee (he wanted to make sure we got watch America lose to Canada in OT because of Sidney Crosby). I of course took the back seat and fell asleep for almost the entirety of the drive, which was the best choice ever.
-R