The Best Drive of All Time

The drive to Cincinnati was the best drive of the whole trip. Since there was nothing really “planned” for Cincinnati in the traditional sense of knowing what shit to do and see, we were able to make plenty of pit stops along the way. Plus, we were operating on a pretty full night of sleep due to a late check out because of the previously noted .14. So after the early afternoon fun in Knoxville, we were off.

First up was the Chik-Fil-A Challenge, brought to you by Chik-Fil-A, our newest sponsor. The Chik-Fil-A Challenge is that you have to find and eat at a Chik-Fil-A. This seemed pretty easy since we passed about 45,000 of them on the way, but as soon as you want one, they’re impossible to find.

Forty minutes later, we were enjoying fried chicken that under normal circumstances is probably delicious, but we had spent the last week in the south eating fried chicken, so there was some competition. This was our Beerfest, “I HAVE been training for a beer drinking competition” moment.

From there we took to the road and made our first stop in Corbin, Kentucky. Why? Because we saw a signsfor Corbin, Kentucky. We also found out it was the birthplace of KFC. Now we were sold.

With a 100 foot Colonel Sanders sign, and an old “Sanders Café” sign out front we went to the original KFC. It was just a KFC, but still. There was also a museum commemorating something the Colonel did, though like biblical scholars we couldn’t really figure out what the hell some of the signs were explaining. The copywriters in Kentucky are not the best in the world.

We ate chicken and biscuits and took pictures with a Colonel Sanders statue, so we were all happy.

About an hour later on the road we saw “Adult World” a sex shop and emporium of sorts. This was not that shocking as we had passed a million of these HOWEVER immediately next to this one was a giant cross. PHOTO OP.

Once we pulled in though, there was no way we weren’t checking the place out. To answer a few “Adult World” questions: we were ID’d, there were peep shows, there were movies, there were other people there.

Ryan and Kasey used the bathroom there, I was afraid of it for all the right reasons.

While I waited outside, some guy pulled up in his car, got out and walked over to me. He asked me what I was doing there, and I told him we just stopped by and I was waiting for my friends. I was hesitant because I had been taking pictures of “Adult World” and the cross, and I thought he was mad. Instead, he said “Were there naked girls in there? I have the wife in the car and she won’t go in if there are naked people, otherwise she was OK.”

Holding back laughter I helped convince his wife to go in.

Ryan and I had a brief football catch that ended when Ryan kicked the ball into a ditch and he had to go into the runoff water to get it back. Credit to him, he succeeded despite me laughing at him and encouraging him to fall in the water the whole time.

We hopped back on the road and drove until we got to Lexington, Kentucky.  In Lexington, we went straight to the football stadium where we found an open gate and walked into the stadium. The only other people in there were a dad and his daughter who was considering the school.

After a little bit of small talk with them, I turned to Ryan and Kasey and “Let’s do this” then hopped onto the field. They followed and we played about a half hour of football and demonstrated how out of shape we are from the beginning of the trip. Watching us do this, I’m confident that girl will be at UK next year.

The obligatory place to go in Lexington is Rupp Arena, Kentucky’s basketball arena. The entrance to Rupp is connected to a mallish type place and a bunch of hotels. At the time we were there, all the dance companies from the South were holding auditions so there were hundreds of dancers rehearsing newly learned routines. We considered auditioning but thought the better of it.

Getting into Rupp itself was a bit of a problem. We spoke with a janitor who said we could not go in since Florida—who was playing UK later in the week—was practicing. Undeterred we kept looking for a way in. We tried every floor and potential entrance while walking through various dance auditions. At one point some kid asked if we were knew where the callbacks are. Sorry buddy, not our department.

Finally, we saw a set of open doors that on the inside said “KEEP THESE DOORS CLOSED.” There was no do not enter signs, so we felt we were free to enter. So we go through the doors and cut left through 2 more sets of doors into a dark hallway James Bond style with a bright light through the tunnel. We followed the light and entered the historic arena just after Florida left.

There were cops on the floor and they turned away so we snapped a picture and started to sneak out. We got through the second set of doors and saw a Security Guard had just walked past. He heard us when we exited and yelled “what are you doing?” Above the door we just left, there was an Exit sign so I told him we were lost and looking for the exit. He exclaimed we shouldn’t be in the court so we played dumb, but he still felt the need to escort us from the building.

We were probably due.

"So its between Disneyworld or Knoxville?" "Knoxville, Knoxville, Knoxville"

Knoxville was the next stop and we got in late so we just headed to “The Strip,” where all the University of Tennessee kids go out at night. Unfortunately the school was starting spring break so there weren’t a ton of people in town.

We started our night at the Copper Cellar where they had 99 cent beers. Yes please. This got the night going, but before we could go out, Kasey needed to stop by Walgreens to buy socks.

He packed clothing for a month, but apparently changes his socks every 12 minutes.  Ryan and I had fun playing with all the stuff in Walgreens and didn’t even realize he left—remember, there were 99 cent beers.

We grabbed the breathalyzer and headed out hitting every bar in the area.

Kasey yelled at some football player who transferred from Notre Dame to be a backup at UT when we grabbed food at a McDonalds late night. Ryan also became the first person to get a refill on a McDonalds ice cream cone. He paid for a full new cone, but just wanted additional ice cream in his first crown. Very funny stuff.

Only so many times you can tell the same "we went out drinking" stories, but the moral of this one is, Kasey woke up blowing a .14—really.

The next day we did the Sun Sphere/Worlds Fair site and the Women’s Basketball Hall of Fame. The Hall was surprisingly fun and we got to play basketball and screw around there, which is always a plus.

This one goes out to you Title IX.

The last stop in Knoxville was a trip to UT’s football stadium. It was the biggest stadium we had been to so far and since it was under construction we were able to walk in and look around uninterrupted.. This was a great last stop in Knoxville and was the most access we had at any of the stadiums we have visited. 

Birmingham Baby, Birmingham

Welcome to the “Anything Can Happen” portion of Chevron Adventure Week. The first few stops were the slam dunks and we’re now entering the questionable part of the trip. Our last stop in New Orleans was the New Orleans School of Cooking where Chef Michael taught us about New Orleans and a number of recipes and cooking techniques that we can never replicate.

On the drive up to Birmingham we stopped in Tuscaloosa to see the University of Alabama. The University of Alabama is THE GREATEST PLACE EVER. The girls could not have been hotter. We drove in past sorority row, and WOW. Just wow. I cannot stress this enough. These girls, HOLY SHIT. When we later told someone we were in Tuscaloosa earlier this guy our age asked “Why would you ever leave?” This is a question we are still contemplating. Full disclosure: this guy was with a really good looking girl in Birmingham even though he goes to school in Tuscaloosa and it sounded like he was cheating on someone back there. Either way, he made a great point.

We went to Alabama’s football stadium which was closed at the time but we got this really nice student who was working there, Brian, to show us around the stadium. Really nice place. We spent most of our time on the club level of the stadium which looked sick.

When we finally got to Birmingham we were in a really nice hotel—the Highlands at Five Points—but there was no one there. We went for dinner and almost beat the Alabamans at Trivia despite missing the first 3 rounds of 6.

The highlight was halfway through dinner these cops show up and walk through the kitchen. Apparently some guy who used to work there got out of prison and came back to the restaurant even though he had only once worked there a few days and was grabbing food in the kitchen and off of people’s plates. The cops came in to deal with it, but that wasn’t the key. Also in the bar were 3 cougars who wanted it bad. From anyone.

So like good cops, these police officers start hitting on them. They’re all touching each other and whatnot, one dude is flexing and they are all over each other. Eventually the cops literally put them in the back of the cop car to go hang out with them. They had lights flashing and they were partying. Way to use those tax dollars Birmingham. The comedy of this cannot be explained.

The side of town that we’re on has nothing going on and after a pit stop at some pool hall/bar/hangout for the creepiest people ever, we try and get a cab to the allegedly more exciting side of town, one homeless guy gave us the worst advice on where to get a cab, but we ended up calling one.

Our cab driver threw his hat into the creepiest person of the trip ring. He made fun of the places we were going and this was all compounded by the fact that Kasey could not have been more miserable. He was pouty and generally angry at Birmingham.

We ended up having a lot of fun at Innisfree. Ryan and I were having fun mostly to spite Kasey.

Our cab driver back had a hooker with him in the front seat. True story. Good times.

The next morning we went to the Vulcan statue, where Kasey was still angry. People here did not have a sense of humor but that may have been because the Alabama governor was there to give a speech and we seemed like a potential threat.

After the Vulcan we stopped by the Peanut Depot to get Cajun Peanuts which were delicious. We ate them on the way to the next stops and left a Hansel and Gretel-esque trail of peanut shells. Then we did the Sixteenth Street Baptist Church—specifically important to me since I consider “The Watsons go to Birmingham” a seminal moment in my formal education as it was the required reading before 6^th grade—and the Civil Rights museum there. There was a lot of security in both places again since apparently Nelson Mandella’s ex-wife was following us in and then 50 Congressman were coming later in the day. After we left a room, they sent in the bomb sniffing dogs in to prepare the place.

We then took our peanuts and the delicious hot dogs from Famous Pete’s (which has been open for almost 100 years and Gus has been running the place for the last 50) to the oldest ballpark in the country—Rickwood field. We ate hot dogs and peanuts on the field and continued to feel like great Americans.

Leaving town we even saw an old tire factory on fire. Quite the exit.

New Orleans (An "As Accurate As Possible" Account)

Entering New Orleans

New Orleans is one of those cities that have something for everyone.  The first thing that blew us away was the entrance into the city, which was the world’s tenth longest bridge.  You drive for what seems like forever on this engineering marvel, and at the same time on the side of the bridge are the little bayou houses the you imagine you would see in a swamp.

The first thing we did upon arriving in the city was go to Mardi Gras world, which is where 80% of all the floats for Mardi Gras are made.  We just happened to have the worst possible timing.  Mardi Gras World is on one side of train tracks and the parking lot is on the other, we just happened it get out of the car at the exact moment a ridiculously long train arrived.  So we spent what felt like 20 minutes waiting for the dam train to pass.  Well we finally made it into Mardi Gras world, and it was like we walked into a

  The city is absolutely beautiful, reminiscent of many other European cities.  With old style buildings and gas lights on every corner, you really felt like you took a step into another world. It was pretty much every child’s nightmare rolled into one massive factory.  Look at the pictures because words will not do it justice.

French Quarter

France and Spain have left its mark on the French Quarter, and it is felt at every turn.  From the old architecture to the gas lights at every turn, you feel like you are not in any normal city.  If France and Spain left its mark on the French quarter, then Amsterdam left its mark on Bourbon street.  Aside from the red lights district I have never seen so much sex for sale, it was an experience.

Now the best part of New Orleans over all might just be the fact that they allow for open containers of alcohol. Not only that but they have open bars all over the place on bourbon street.  What that meant for us was buying 22oz hurricanes right away, (around 6pm).  So with hurricanes in hand we strolled around bourbon and canal street in awe of this amazing place.  By the time we reached our dinner destination, Coops’ place, none of us could legally drive and were well on our way to a great night. 

Dinner could have gone better, not because the place was bad, but because Cooper and I got into the first ever twitter fight.  We both tried to damage each other’s reputations as much and as fast as we could.  The fight ended in me buying everyone another round of 22oz daiquiris, and almost pissing myself in the store as I waited to get the Daiquiris.  With the peace offering all was restored, and the night truly begun. 

Now at 22 years of age, after having traveled Europe, and attending one of the nation’s biggest and most fun colleges, I can easily say that so far that first night in New Orleans was the craziest night of my entire life.  I will try to describe it the best I can, (which is only upsetting Cooper and Kasey), but I feel that no matter what I do I can never do that night justice.

So before we even started the second round of daiquiris Kasey and I were blowing .08, with cooper in the lead at .1, so as you could imagine things were starting off pretty crazy.  To solidify the peace offering we killed our drinks in what could only be described as dangerously to fast.  With our loss of driving ability we headed out on foot towards bourbon street, with a curious anticipation of where the night could go from here.  Being just 8:30 we decided it was too early to go to the strip clubs, so we walked around and poked our head in to most of bourbon streets bars.  Most of them had live music, which was cool, but it was nothing to special so we didn’t stay to long. We did stay long enough for cooper to work his moves on two girls, and I joined in trying to help out but because the music was so loud there was no way we could even talk, so we scared the girls away.  With one strike out, and a little bit drunker we decided it was time.

The first place we went wasn’t exactly a strip club, but called live acts.  So Kasey and I lost our strip club virginity to a sex show club.  The girls looked like they were cracked out on something strong enough to get an elephant high plus they all were already trashy.  Not long after sitting down at the table (after ordering vodka red bulls), a somewhat cute but very trashy stripper walks up a places herself on my lap despite my attempts to get her not to.  She could probably see the fear in my eyes and figured she could use it to her advantage.  So we had a slightly awkward but very interesting conversation where she divulged that I could get a dance for $40, get a private room for $60 and she implied that for more dough more could happen.  I politely refused her, but she was persistent and would not get up.  So she sat there until she had to get onto stage, at which she asked me to come up and give her a dollar on stage.  Still terrified at this point I decided very much against it, and let Kasey throw a dollar to her on stage.  This only pissed her off more and she threw the dollar back at Kasey, and then gave him the finger as she walked by.  Priceless, he got a dollar from a stripper and she told him to go fuck off, doesn’t get much better then that.

So we had our fun in the sex show club and decided it was time to move on.  We jumped back on to bourbon street, got some oversized beers and continued our adventure week.  We decided to scale up on the classiness of the club and went to “barely legal”, which was definitely a one star improvement over the last club.  The probably though is there was a 15$ cover, and we were not going to pay cover, but that was Cooper’s specialty.  So after making friends with the bouncer and the attendant, he somehow managed to get us in without having to pay cover.  Immedialty after walking in to this club we could feel the difference in quality as this one had large red plush seats and all the security personal were dressed in suits. Well not long after sitting down Cooper decided he had to get me the best stripper in the place.  So he goes up and talks to one of the guys in a suit and he shortly comes back with a girl name Andi.  She was my first lap dance, an experience I will always remember.  She escorted me back to some private rooms in the back of the building, where she sat me down, and very nicely explained that my friends had already tipped, and that all I needed to do was just sit there.  The next couple of minutes seemed to last forever, and the experience was amazing.  I remember how sad I was to see the timer on the right slowly tick away, but all good things have to end I guess. So with that I headed back out to the boys and took a seat feeling like a new man.

                We spent some more time there just hanging out and we got to watch Andi take the stage where she pulled off some incredible acrobatic maneuvers.  I was mesmerized and could not believe the atheism of this girl.  After her show she came off stage and sat with me and we talked for some good time.  I was loving spending time with her, but Cooper thought (rightly so) that I should get out of there before I feel head over heels for this girl.  So he challenged her to a fight, which as strange as it sounded worked really well she ended up getting up and chasing after her while Kasey forced me to grab my jacket and walk out.  I gave her a hug goodbye and according to rumors from Kasey and cooper I may have told her I loved her (I don’t remember that).  So for the next hour or so we went around and gave my therapy about why you don’t fall in love with strippers. We got advice from bums, bouncers, and even former strippers.  All this did was make me think about her more and make the problem worse though. Luckily later in the night as we were heading home we saw Andi and she waved to me.

                After failing therapy we felt that we had to go in to a strip club called Ricks, just to pay homage to our Ricks back home.  Ricks was for the most part completely dead except for us and a couple of strippers.  So we set up shop up front by the stage.  In no time at all a absolutely beautiful girl came over and started talking to us.  Well before long her and cooper dissapered into the back. I don’t know what happened next but these are the facts we do have: money DID NOT exchange hands, and this stripper was texting Cooper at 3 in the morning.

                After a really quick night of sleep we were back on the town. On our way to Café Dumonde for beignets the weirdest guy in New Orleans yelled to us “you guys are still going? That’s incredible. I took a picture of you guys at like 5 in the morning.” Wow, I don’t remember everything.

                Café Dumonde was delicious and right after we got on a tour of New Orleans and Katrina. It was nice to see how some places were fixed, but sad that there were still untouched places. We learned that it was the flood walls, not the levees that broke. After the tour we went to the casino for a little more gambling and then to Johnny’s Po Boys for lunch and it was another unbelievable New Orleans meal.

                We went next to the Voodoo museum and met Papa John, who told us he had a 14 foot snake upstairs that could strangle us and  an animal like a Komodo dragon that could run 30 miles per hour and catch us if we ran. Also neither of them are in cages and they don’t like the smell of smoke or alcohol. Cooper told him there was no smoke or alcohol on us to make it seem like we were good people who didn’t want to be killed by his animals but Kasey said it had only been a few hours.

                We then went to Mr. Chubbys to pay for All Day All Night All You can Drink for $25 for beer and daiquiris. This is the best deal in all of New Orleans and probably saved us $100 each. As we were walking to our hotel we passed this stage where a guy was making a commotion and inviting everyone to the show. He spent a half hour building up the show and when we finally had enough people music went on and he asked for someone to donate a beer. Then he said he would make the beer disappear then he chugged it and said “that’s the show now lets party” it was really funny. He also gave us other wisdom like “the worst part about chugging a beer is you need another beer.” When people showed up late he said to them “oh, you missed the show? I chugged a beer.” He looked like Kenny Powers in a Reggie Bush jersey. This was a lot of fun because it was like being at a resort hotel but everyone had drank much more.

                For dinner we went to the Hornets game where we got a package that let us meet the cheerleaders. We also continued our efforts to break all arena rules by actually getting onto the court after the game to take a picture. This went better in New Orleans than it did in Memphis.

                The rest of the night highlights: Kasey carrying a piece of pizza and a beer down Bourbon and dropping both of them in one very athletic move, a bunch of kids from Dayton doing the O-H-I-O to “Hang on Sloopy” as Kasey tried to start fights with all of them, we were told by one pizza guy that he had the cheapest pizza around but if we could find cheaper he would give us a pie free. We got another pizza place to sell us pizza for 1 penny less than his and give us a receipt. The asshole wouldn’t give us a full pie though and made us go back to get an itemized receipt just to get 1 free slice each.

                The next morning we went to the awesome New Orleans School of Cooking where you learn how to cook and eat a lot. This place was great and Chef Michael is the man. New Orleans is the greatest place ever but we had to keep moving. Next up: Birmingham.

"Hit me in the chest, give me money, and I'll give you a strip club card"

The first night in Memphis we spent a lot of time on Beale Street. Memphis is a really cool city and everything is very close to each other. Most of the bars in town are lined up on Beale which has been turned into a car-less pedestrian mall. That means drinking without the prospect of being the victim of vehicular manslaughter, which is ALWAYS a plus.

You can tell that the area gets crazy, definitely a much bigger version of 4^th street in Louisville, on a Friday or Saturday, but during Chevron Adventure Week you can’t pick your nights. On a Sunday night though, the town is mostly dead. To the credit of most of the bars though, they had lots of karaoke and live bands going on, so all wasn’t lost.

As the night starts winding down for the other 46 people who have to head home because they have “jobs” and “lives” to deal with the next day, we keep looking for the next wave to ride.

We planned for two nights in Memphis and we were not about to forfeit one of them because of the real world everyone else lived in. So we hopped from bar to bar just to keep the night going: took shots of whiskey and pickle juice (the shot pair is called a Babaloosa and came from somewhere in the south that “To Catch a Predator” can’t even find; don’t knock it ‘til you try it), ordered the first round of “Fucking Yankees” (a drink I helped pioneer in Nashville last week and is a shot of Jaeger, Coke, and Rum), and learned that Tennessee has no local beers and we should be ashamed for trying to order anything other than Whiskey.

At about 3, Ryan’s still singing “Walking in Memphis” as we walk down Beale. Beale at this hour is littered with panhandlers and homeless people but also cops (apparently after Katrina a lot of criminals from New Orleans spread out to nearby cities and Memphis’ crime rate “quintiplied” (actual word used by our bartender the second night who “didn’t need this fucking job because [she’s] in the medical profession.

These homeless guys come up to you to try and shake your hand and get some money, most of them giving the “help me out” pitch. Then we met the Billy Mays (RIP) of beggars.

This guy comes up to me, tries to shake my hand, turns, plants his feet and proclaims “Hit me in the chest, give me money, and I'll give you a strip club card." HOLY. SHIT.

What an offer. I could imagine not being able to fall asleep, turning on the TV and seeing this guy yelling “For some money you can punch me in the chest. But wait, there’s more! If you hit me and give me money now, I’ll also throw in a strip club card!”

He didn’t even have an amount in mind; he just wanted to be paid anything. Wow.

We realized that on a Sunday, we weren’t going to top that moment, so we went back to the hotel.

In the lobby we remembered about the product of our newest sponsor, AlcoHAWK, the finest breathalyzer available at Walgreens.

With the security guard, a friend of his, and one of the hotel managers watching and cheering, the competition began.

I posted a very respectable .17 for the clubhouse lead. Everyone cheered.

Kasey followed with an “I thought it would be much higher” .14. There were boos.

Then Ryan, in the moment of truth, batting in the 3-hole, blew an astounding .18. The crowd went crazy.

Not quite homeless Billy Mays, but what a moment.

Floating Like Butterflies, Stinging like Bees

So we folded house in Indianapolis and skipped over to Louisville, Kentucky. What an underrated city. The first thing that we had to do in Kentucky was get some legitimate fried chicken. We ended up in this nice little place that was oddly enough called the “Cottage Inn.” Well needless to say this was an amazing way to start our time in this city. Sweet tea O My Lord.

After lunch we headed out to downtown Louisville and hung out around the University of Louisville for a little bit. Campus was really nice and then we headed over to Churchill Downs, home of The Kentucky Derby. We decided to skip the tour there and just do our own thing for a while. We bet on the ponies, I bet on the gray horse just like grandpa taught me to do, and of course I lost. Churchill Downs is really cool and we ended up being able to get right on the track. Few can say that they have raced at Churchill Downs but after this trip, the wolfpack of 3 can say they did. I smoked them.

And now to the main event, the Louisville Slugger Factory. This place was absolutely awesome. We walk in and immediately I am holding a game used Mickey Mantle bat. We then took a walking tour about how the make a bat. They churn out a bat every 30 seconds and make 1.8 million bats per year. We got mini bats and we were happy. Cool thing about the factory is it’s the only place in the world where you can hit a baseball in a batting cage with a wooden bat. Needless to say the ball jumped off the Ken Griffey Jr. model pretty nicely.

After that we headed over to the Muhammad Ali museum home of the prettiest, fastest, handsomest professional boxer ever. This place was pretty cool and I knocked Cooper the fuck out in the ring.

The nightlife in Louisville was pretty insane. There is this huge strip of bars that are sort of enclosed and everything is open til 4 am. You can walk from bar to bar with your drinks. We posted up in this one bar/bowling alley that was pretty cool. I got the group free bowling shoes because of my devilish good looks. That was Louisville in a nutshell. Funniest part of the night was when we saw a guy arrested as he walks by us. Ryan, impulsively states “BITCH YOU ARRESTED.” Hope we can clean up our acts in Memphis since they are allowed to bring guns into the bars.

Memphis, Memphis, Memphis. Getting here was not easy and definitely took a fair share of heat getting the other two up early so we could get into Memphis for the start of the USA-Canada gold medal game. I guaranteed that we would and were successful. Unfortunately, Sidney Crosby managed to weasel his way into the spotlight after being rather unimportant the entire day.

We licked our wounds from the overtime loss and headed over to the Peabody hotel for the famous walk of the Peabody Ducks. We almost missed it but we saw what we needed to see. On the way out of the hotel, Ryan hears a voice from above. Was that the voice of the man who posed the most important question of our lifetime, specifically, “What is in the box that rocks?” Could this possibly have been happening? It in fact was true, as Sir Charles Barkley was standing right before us. He was nice enough to take a picture with us but unfortunately could not put us into contact w OchoCinco (who still hasn’t answered any of tweets).

After this we went back and finally got a little bit of sleep before dinner. For dinner, we went to this amazing Memphis BBQ place named Corky’s. The ribs at this place were absolutely amazing and we met two workers, Evelyn and Broady, who were some of the nicest people that you can ever come across. Best cole slaw I’ve ever had as well. After dinner we headed out to Beale Street. It was a Sunday night so there wasn’t much going on but we posted up in the bar called Alfred’s. Armed with the newest purchase of the trip, the Breathalyzer, we sang karaoke and learned a lot from the locals. It was here that we discovered the best drink ever – a shot of jack Daniels chased with a shot of pickle juice. Wanna judge me? Fine. Just try it.

On Monday we woke up and headed out to Graceland, home of Elvis. His style was almost as cool as mine and his plane was almost as big as mine. I would say that the had a pretty successful career. The best part was our bus driver started our tour off with a little “Hail to the Victors.” After our tour of Graceland we headed back to Beale Street and got hamburgers at Dyer’s. This place deep fries everything and legend has it that their oil still has remnants of the original oil that they used when they opened up about 100 years ago. The burgers were amazing as were the fried twinkies that we had… again, don’t judge, just try it. It wasn’t such a bad lunch since we found out that CWIC technologies won 15,000 in a grant from the University. 7 dollar burgers, 15,000 grand won. I would say that was a profitable lunch break.

After lunch we headed to the National Civil Rights Museum, which is where Dr. Martin Luther King was killed. The museum had so many cool things in it and they even had the hotel where MLK was staying all set up as it was on that day. There was also a mini museum across the street where it is believed the shot was fired from. There was a lot of cool information and debate on how exactly he was killed and who was actually involved.

For dinner we headed to the Interstate Barbeque for some barbeque spaghetti, which was awesome. Then we headed back to the downtown area and went to the 2^nd half of the Memphis Grizzlies – Portland Trailblazers game. The Grizz lost and we couldn’t get on the floor for a picture but we made a good effort to do so. After the game we headed to BB Kings and watched a pretty sweet band and snapped a photo with them. The night was relatively mild because we have to charge our batteries up a little bit for NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana

"Its Always Been a Dream of Mine to Wake up at 8am to Watch Hockey in Memphis"

We knew we had really reached Louisville the moment we stepped out of the car at our hotel, the scent of fried chicken was like a warm friendly welcome, kind of like when you get off the plane in Hawaii where you get lei, but in Louisville it was the smell of fried chicken. So whats the first thing we do, eat fried chicken. We went to Cottage Inn, which literally was a cottage, and had some of the best fried chicken I have ever had. It was everything we had hoped for, and then one more piece of chicken, that just knocked us out.

With full bellies and fried chicken on our minds we headed for Churchhill Downs. Now most people right after eating their heart out of fried chicken would take the next hour slow, maybe take a nap. Us, being at Churchhill downs decided we had to race. Now the race simple started as a slow jog through the parking lot, but we were at Churchhill downs, so we ended up giving it everything we had and broke out into one of the most amazing races that place has ever seen. Well until cooper lost his pants and Kasey almost twisted his ankle, but it was still pretty incredible.

At Churchill, we all placed bets on horses. I lost. No more betting for me.

We couldn’t stay with the horses long because next up was the famous Louisville slugger factory. Right off they gotta have the biggest bat in the world there, it was Huge!!!! This place had to be one of the best deals we will see on this trip. For only 12 bucks we gotta to tour the factory, hold Mickey mantle’s actually baseball bat, go to the only batting cage in America that allows wooden bats and swing with exact replicas of Babe Ruth and ken Griffey Jr’s bats. We also got little mini slugger’s which was probably the worst thing that could have happened, three guys on a spring break road trip with bats = not good. Straight from the factory we made our way over to the great Ali’s center, and then walked around and saw the rest of Louisville.

4^Th street is where the shit was at for going out in downtown Louisville. Just to get onto the street we had to pull out our IDs, and then once on the street no open container laws; awesome! Because I am already sick of typing I am going to give a quick recap, we all got mad at each other. Cooper went off and got rejected by 3 different girls, I went off and almost got my shit rocked by a big fat guy, Kasey did nothing, and it was all great. O yah we bowled in the middle of a huge bar, more greatness

8:00am, yah eight in the dam morning Kasey woke us all up, threw us into the car, and away we went to Memphis Tennessee (he wanted to make sure we got watch America lose to Canada in OT because of Sidney Crosby). I of course took the back seat and fell asleep for almost the entirety of the drive, which was the best choice ever.

-R

Chevron is Back

After being replaced by Evan Williams and Excedrin as the official sponsor it looked like our relationship with Chevron was over. Then tonight the gas people came through.

We had a packed day in Louisville--Churchill Downs, Louisville Slugger Factory, Muhammad Ali Center, downtown Louisville--and decided we needed to pregame the evening.

Ryan and I set out to find a liquor store and spent 20 minutes driving around the apparently dry city. Two different GPS could not find us a place that sells anything with alcohol.

Finally while driving we saw a Chevron. I declared it was a sign. Ryan said it was a waste of time. I was driving so I didn't care how Ryan felt.

Lo and behold, Chevron's convenient store stocks the finest malt liquors that you can buy at a gas station. That was all it took to get back in our good graces.

Welcome back Chevron. It feels like you never left us.

C

"I Tweet so Hard"

So right now we are en route to Louisville, KY but that is not where the journey begins. Yesterday afternoon, a Wolfpack of 3, embarked on a journey of a lifetime. Was it the Oasis in Cancun, definitely not, but one thing’s for sure is that our music was better. The first stop on Evan Williams Adventure Week was Indianapolis, Indiana and Butler University. We met with Cooper’s friend Ben from Barcelona and hit up some nice Indianapolis area bars. I found the new love of my life – Twitter. I think I updated that thing 15 times in 4 hours. I am like OchoCinco on this thing. I can see why he wants to tweet during his games. If I had this thing I probably would have tweeted during my ejection during my last hockey game. Something like “jersey over the face, peace out Yost” just so all my followers (5) could know what’s going on in my life.

We didn’t have much time there but I think that we spent our time rather efficiently in Indy. Started out by tackling the Gargantuan from Jimmy John’s, you know I had to sample the local cuisine right? Then we headed out for the bars. The car that we were in got stuck in the driveway and miraculously I moved it by my lonesome. World’s strongest man? Probably Not. Indiana’s Strongest Man? Probably. We then went to the bars and the night life was pretty good out there. Bars closed at 3… Bonus Time. Imagine how sloppy everyone would be if Ricks stayed open an extra hour.

I completely forgot what part of the country I was in last night. I met a guy named Bo from IUPUI. Really big guy ordering a “Tape Your Ankles” bagel from this late night drunk food place. We bullshit for a while and I tell him were going to New Orleans. He tells me that we missed Mardi Gras and I tell him I’m not worried because the Saints won the Superbowl and they start partying. Well, Bo is a huge Colts fan but I think I can still joke about it so I refer to the Messiah, Peyton Manning, as Eli’s brother. Peyton Manning is GOD here regardless of that questionable pick6 he threw. Bo was not happy with me so I decided to just take my bagel and bounce.

Well that’s leg 1. Back home at 5 up at 10. Next Stop: Louisville KY.

Updates

- No one has been punched or throw a punch yet.

- No one has cried yet.

- Cooper threw up

K

The Beginning

Spring break has started. Cooper and Kasey picked me up straight from work, well there were 30 minutes late but it was close enough. So with a quarter tank of gas, a full SUV, and 2773 miles to go we headed out into rush hour, onto the snowy open road. So after missing an exit 45 minutes into the trip and having to drive six miles out of the way, we finally ended up on a one lane road in the middle of Ohio. The most exciting thing to happen so far, aside from seeing a 7 up store (who knew that even existed), was when the one lane road opened up into a two lane road. This resulted in all of us cheering hail to th victors and pounding the roof in celebration.

The best news of the trip has been the announcement by Cooper of each of the closing times in our future cities.

Indianapolis: 3:00 am
Louisville: 4:00 am
Memphis: NEVER!!!!
New Orleans: NEVER!!!!

This just spells bad fortune.

Well I am really bad at writing these so hopefully the next few will get better, but I wouldn’t count on it. O yah I also found out I have to drive tomorrow, which is awesome because it is one of the shortest drives of the trip. Hahaha well so far all the cards have played well for me, just hope this keeps up. Until next time.

-The connection
aka
Ryan

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The Planning of Adventure Week

Early in the school year we decided that Spring Break had to happen but we could not decide what to do.

Ryan wanted "SPRING BREAK" spring break, I wanted something we would never have the chance to do again, and Kasey just wanted to eventually be told what we were doing.

Spring Break discussions occurred passively throughout the first semester, but we never finalized anything. As friends booked cruises and updated Facebook statuses with countdowns to Acapulco, Cancun, and Puerto Wherever, we went sledding on baking pans. Fun was inevitable, so planning was meaningless.

In early February, with a rare stroke of genius Ryan decided we should try to go to all 11 Big Ten schools in 11 consecutive days. A cursory Google search seemed to say no one had ever attempted it. Intrigued, we started calling friends at various schools and planning out the 11 days. Then it snowed. Apparently planning a road trip to all the schools in your conference is an undertaking better left for the SEC and Big 12.

A week from the start of Spring Break, last night we decided to sit down and start planning. We were headed towards a redux of housing before Junior Year where Ryan's aspirations were crushed by our laziness and procrastination: two years later, he’s still looking for the other half of his room.

At about 8pm we sat down with computers and started looking; we did not plan to sleep until a trip was booked.

Ryan immediately started with Cancun and the MTV style spring break that has led to so many disowned children. Kasey declared he STILL wanted nothing to do with the process but was willing to cut a check, as long as we figured it out. Deal.

With Men's Aerials and Bob Costas’ banter blasting in the background we pecked away at our computers trying to find a deal or adventure. We explored all the options: domestic and international, all inclusive and totally exclusive, places with multi-star ratings and places without roofs.

Running out of ideas, we compiled a list of everywhere we would be willing to visit but that led nowhere. Nothing new, interesting, or exciting and unfortunately we couldn't find any info about time traveling phone booths or hot tubs.

After hours of yelling and debating, I started making concessions. Cancun was the play. I told Ryan in no uncertain terms that I was angry with the situation but we could do it.

If CNN had covered the event, they would have panned me for being a spineless leader who made too many concessions. My country would have hated me. No one would have understood that I was out of options; it was Cancun or nuclear war. Ryan would have been lauded as a demigod. He fought hard and won.

So we had an agreement in principle and only needed to work out logistics. Two hours later we had checked every combination of flights, hotels, and options and had a trip. Prices were slowly climbing as our incessant checking of flight and hotel prices made it seem like there was a sudden boom in interest. The algorithms were unhappy.

Finally though, we had it all planned, we were on the credit card page of the website, had found a price we were comfortable with and were ready to go. We called Kasey for confirmation.

Kasey's apathy towards the planning process was now replaced with a response of "I have to check if I can go." Thanks for the heads up Kase.

Six hours of work were put on hold until the morning so Kasey could check with his handlers if he could A) have his Passport sent quickly and B) leave the country. He told us he would know by 9 am. We were doubtful.

Either way we figured no one else in the world was booking last second Spring Break trips to Cancun, so the prices and availability couldn't move that much.

This morning, Ryan and I had a meeting at 10:30 for CWIC Technologies. When we first met up, a giddy Ryan proclaimed he had found a newer, better version of the trip to Cancun which now ran from Tuesday to Tuesday--actual schedules be damned.

We went for breakfast after the meeting and still had no word from Kasey, so we decided he was useless and dead to us. When the check came we started discussing an alternate road trip and I sketched the United States on the back of the bill. Ryan started putting inappropriately located dots on it which we hoped would correspond with cities.

Planning everything on a Blackberry and an iPod Touch seemed too daunting so we got Ryan's computer and headed to a North Campus Panera (our own little Camp David meets Bretton Woods).

Up came Google Maps and we started picking cities based solely on their ability to fall into a giant loop and what came up when we googled the attractions in a given place. Some places were left off, some sleepers made the list, but after another 2 hours, we both walked out happy with our 7 city, 9 night journey.

All we've told Kasey is to pack for every kind of weather and be ready this Friday afternoon.

Slowly, we're giving him "Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?" style clues (He knows the first stop is Indianapolis, the last is Cincinnati, we may meet NBA Cheerleaders in one city, and that the whole trip is 2,273 miles) as he sits here yelling out different city names and playing on Google Maps to create a trip he deems acceptable while insulting half the state's in the country.

We're still considering blindfolding and gagging him until we get to the various Welcome Centers.

C

Chevron Adventure Week

Ryan, Kasey and Cooper are taking a 2,273 mile adventure for Spring Break.

Follow us on here (2273miles.blogspot.com) or on Twitter (twitter.com/2273miles, twitter.com/ryanjbern, twitter.com/kaseyk35)